The cheek of the mediocre man continues to astonish me

A traumatic tearoom tale

It was my idea to go to the tearoom in Stow-on-the-Wold. A few years ago I had visited the place with a friend and it had been the perfect spot for cake and coffee, so when my boyfriend and I were in the area I wanted to recreate the experience. The tearoom has several floors, with each room decorated in a completely different style. To my delight we ended up in the same room as the last time I was there – one that looked like the living room of a grandmother with a stronger-than-average love for pink and all things floral. We didn’t get to sit at the same table though. That one was taken by two women.

These two friends were catching up for what was clearly the first time in a while. They, rather inconsiderately, didn’t mention their own or each other’s names, so I cannot include them here. Just a kind reminder that if you’re sharing a fascinating story in public, please properly introduce yourself so the people who are eavesdropping get the full picture. Anyway, I have to work with what I have. A name says a lot about a person but so does their coffee order, so going forward I will refer to them as Chai Latte and Decaf.

After the initial smalltalk, the conversation turns to dating. Decaf asks Chai Latte when the last time she dated someone was.
‘Well, I guess earlier today’, Chai Latte says.
Decaf is immediately intrigued (as am I): ‘What? You were seeing someone and you didn’t tell me?’
Chai Latte explains: ‘I was seeing someone from Hinge and we were supposed to meet up tonight. But then he said he has a lot going on in his life and he cancelled! To tell you the truth, I’ve met up with thirteen people this year, twelve of them have said ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. I have such dating fatigue right now. I have general fatigue, if I’m really honest.’ 

It doesn’t take a genius to realise that this is about to be juicy, so I stop pretending I’m reading my book and I whip out my notes app. I clearly made the right call, because Chai Latte goes on: ‘I went on a date with this guy called Harry. Have I told you about him? No? Well, you’re not going to like him. Are you ready?’
I don’t know if Decaf is ready, but I sure am. A message from my boyfriend (who is sitting opposite me) appears on my screen: ‘What are you typing?’
Like he doesn’t already know. ‘Every word of this conversation, obviously.’

‘I won’t go as far as to say you catfished me, but…’

‘So we get to this pub. The White Hart or something it was called. The entire thing was SO awkward. I went to sit down but the table was too close to the bench I wanted to sit on, so he went to pull the table away from the bench to give me more space. But he pulled it back in an exaggerated way. Like I was four times bigger than I was. I thought that was odd but I just took it as a joke, whatever. Like I said, the entire thing was a bit awkward, but I chalked it up to it being the first date and all. So eventually we leave the pub and I ask him if he wants to do this again. He, and this is not a word of a lie, goes ‘No, I really don’t. Look, I won’t go as far as to say that you catfished me, but you are so much bigger than you looked in your pictures.’’

Up until this point I have tried my best to keep a straight face, but right now I have zero control over my reaction. My hand flies to my mouth in utter shock and I immediately look at my boyfriend, who has also been listening and has a similar look of disbelief on his face. I look over at this woman. She’s thin.

I think Decaf is just as speechless, because she doesn’t say more than ‘...what?’ before Chai Latte continues: ‘He then says he thinks we could be friends, but that he probably fucked that up. Like, yeah, obviously. Looking back I should have said ‘well, you have a lot less hair than in your pictures’, but I was just too shocked, you know?’
She then goes on to say that this has really affected her: ‘I wish I could tell myself that this sort of thing happens very rarely, but it’s actually extremely common.’

My cinnamon roll and the book I was pretending to read

She’s right. I’ve never had an experience like this – thank God – but that’s probably because I was always clear about the fact that I’m fat to the point where it was one of the first things I mentioned in my bio. Back then many people told me I shouldn’t have to mention that and they’re right. In an ideal world that wouldn’t matter. But I wanted to do whatever I could to avoid an experience like this. I had heard too many stories of women whose dates left halfway through because they ‘couldn’t handle how big she was’.

As a fat person you’re always on guard for something like this, but hearing that this also happens to people who are by no stretch of the imagination big, makes me sick. What she was describing is many women's worst dating nightmare and like she says, it's not even an irrational fear. It happens often. ‘I won’t go as far as to say that you catfished me, but…’ I honestly struggle to think of a single scenario where I would feel confident and entitled enough to say that to someone. The cheek of the average man never fails to astonish me. And do you then just go home afterwards and feel good about yourself? Or when your mates ask how your date went, do you just tell them how you made this woman feel like shit and then you all have a laugh? Unbelievable. And you KNOW this Harry guy looks mediocre at best.

Whether Decaf is a great friend and she wants to make Chai Latte feel better, or whether she has decided it’s now time for the spotlight to be on her I can’t say, but she provides us with a story of her own: ‘I went on a date with this guy and I paid for the entire dinner. He didn’t even offer to pay for his share, which, okay, fine.  But then I said I wanted to go to The White Company to pick up some bits and bobs. ‘I’ll join you’, he said. He clearly wanted to go with me because he was hoping that we would kiss after. So we went to the store and I bought some candles. You know, the nice ones. Once we were outside he turned to me and said ‘I cannot believe you just spent that much money on a candle!’ I was like excuse me??? Is this YOUR money?!’

Posing for a picture and eavesdropping at the same time

Okay, it’s hard to top Chai Latte’s catfish accusation, but this is a strong anecdote as well. I am once again reminded of the fact that it really is a minefield out there. As entertaining as this conversation is, it’s also disheartening.

Part of me feels like the convenience and the pace of online dating has made it easy to forget that, just because your next date is but a swipe away, these are still actual people you’re dealing with. But even then it’s beyond comprehension that behaviour like that of Harry is so common. I like to think that I’ve now reached a level of confidence that would empower me to just laugh in his face and make a witty comeback, but in reality I would probably be too flabbergasted as well.

Since that day I have regularly thought about this woman’s experience and about all of the other stories I’ve heard of women who got told that their date was there to win a bet, that they were too ugly, that they somehow didn’t meet these men’s standards. And again, you KNOW these men ain’t all that themselves and they wouldn’t be worthy of these gorgeous queens anyway. As difficult as it is to be on the receiving end of a comment like that, this obviously says so much more about the kind of person they are. Not the kind of person you want to be with, that’s for sure.

Society has taught these men that they can treat women like this, even when they themselves don’t have more to offer than the bare minimum. But I also know how easy it is to hear these stories and assume that this must be the majority so that it’s easier to just give up entirely, and I don’t want that.

So although my first reaction when I hear these things is always ‘Stay single, girls!’,  I know that there are great people out there on dating apps, even if it feels like they’re well-hidden. On the same app Chai Latte met Harry I found someone who treats me better than I ever thought possible. I want that for women. I want that for my girls Chai and Decaf. And if that’s something you want, I want it for you too. So let’s not lose hope! I hope you only have nice, wholesome dating experiences. And if not I hope you will tell your friend about them in a public space. I’ll be ready.

g.

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